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love and loss   
Sunday
May 12th, 11:29am
 

thanks for breaking my heart on my special day. appreciate it.

 
     
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meh   
Monday
April 29th, 7:57am
 


not feeling it this morning. extremely self-conscious. extremely irritable. just wanna lay in bed and sleep away the pain im feeling inside. i push away someone that is so sweet to me and attentive; something im so not used to. morning is off to a shitty start. deactivated facebook. lets see how long that lasts for.

 
     
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pain isnt pleasure   
Sunday
January 27th, 9:59pm
 
mood: curious
roll the window down, this cool night air is curious, let the whole world look in, who cares, who sees anything
 
     
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Tuesday
April 24th, 7:07am
 

So fucking happy. Life is good :) yolo so do what YOU want

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head in the clouds   
Sunday
March 18th, 10:50pm
  time is passing as quickly as water through white rapids.and as much as i want to steer my own vessel, i cant help but lay down on the job more often than none. im an avid dreamer. i dream just as much as i breathe, and often find myself completely happy within my own head. i guess im detatched from reality, but sometimes its the best way to get through things without the medications, drugs, and self destruction. in my opinion.
i have my eyes on so many prizes, and i feel everything is in arms reach. i just need to stay focused. and stay alive.
i havent been crying lately...but its probably because of this dream like state that i am in. i dont know what im thinking exactly, but its along the lines of, ill be happy with or without a husband. i am going to see the world, still, and afterall. lol. and i will live out all of my dreams, that i have imagined up in my head since i was 16.
i heard it gets easier in your 30's and then 40's are amazing. bahaha. we shall see old friend, we shall see.
the kids are growing up so fast. too fast. i need to start being a better, more organized, more patient and loving mother. or i will not have my childrens love when they are older, nor will their kids get 110%.
everything is easier said than done, and everything is perfect in dreams. lol.
well, goodnight good friend.
 
     
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dear douche bag,   
Saturday
November 26th, 11:16am
 
mood: apathetic
i hate you so much right now. :)
 
     
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-   
Saturday
July 2nd, 9:36am
  i feel sick inside. i havent felt 'depressed' in a long while. haven't cried out of sadness in forever...im usually mad and frustrated...not down.
i have been longing for someone that has been gone for so long.

i feel so dead
 
     
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gangbang 4 lyfe   
Sunday
November 21st, 7:02am
 
mood: disappointed
dear little brother and friends,
if only you were given more in life. like a real honest, strong, intelligent role model, and not the ones you actually had. if only you had been shown a different way of life, so you wouldn't be trapped by the one you live.
the lifestyle you live only points to incarceration, death, and unfortunate events in your life, and for those close to you. it is utterly sad and disappointing.
my eyes tear up every time i see another badly written tattoo on your young body.
my heart breaks every time i see your posts with such badly written english.
i cringe at the sight of you representing your "hood".
your hood? streets that don't belong to you. a city that doesn't belong to you. people who live there that don't belong to you. an idea so ignorant, so passed down by other ignorant people that when will this ever stop.
so the idea of this life, is to kill anyone who talks shit on your hood? anyone who represents another hood? anyone who is related to someone who talks shit on your hood? to dress so commonly that you are always hit up for representing your hood? always harassed by the police for living the lifestyle you live? to be spotted from a mile away because of the way you look: your hair your tats, your clothes, your gang signs?
What you should be doing is going to school. Learning about history so that you can change the future. You live this life ONCE. Just ONCE. And it's gone.
Why not represent PEOPLE period? Not just your hood, but your WORLD? Why not spend your time doing positive things for YOUR HOOD? Why not spend your wasted time helping people who need food, clothes, education and support in YOUR HOOD? Oh, because YOU too need that.
It's ignorant to be part of gang, because you lack being part of a family. Just because you have chose this lifestyle yesterday, doesn't mean you can not change today.
Be productive. Be positive. Learn, study, teach. Life is too short to be banging all day everyday.
 
     
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dear you   
Friday
November 19th, 6:12pm
 
mood: indescribable
i miss your smile. your creepy stare. your warmth. your voice. your nice stink. something reminds me of you each day. i see you, but you are far away.
i miss being 'your only girl in the world'.


i love you, where ever you might be right now
 
     
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Tuesday
October 12th, 9:20am
 

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...   
Tuesday
October 12th, 9:20am
 

If there isn't an awkward silence there's nothing but shouting.
My kids mimic us.
I'm unhappy with him. I'm unhappy doing this on my own.
I feel like he's hacking at me, mind body and soul. I feel like I'm getting old way too fast.
This wasn't meant to be and I'm just prolonging the split. It's very much necessary and desired.
I'm trying to be the best that I can be, but my best isn't shining. Just my ignorance.
I always give my all, but I'm just 1 person. :(
The kids can't understand this. They expect so much from me. And if they only knew how much I am trying.
My mom said she wished she never had k....
Then she looked at me and said nevermind.
Wow. I'm an adult now so it didn't hurt as much as it's hurting now, 2 days later.
I feel like shit.
I wish I had time for myself, but now that I stay home it's my responsibility to upkeep the house And the kids. Cleaning, organizing, homework, food, showers, mediating fights, doctors appts, shopping, it's my entire day!!!!!!!!! Nonstop. And I'm just wiped out.
I want to excercise but I'm so tired.
Fuck fuck fuck. I lost EVERYTHING. I pushed all the goodness and purity and happiness out of my life. :(
Volveras.

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The only one that listens   
Monday
August 30th, 8:10am
 

Is you journal. How complete and utterly depressing.

As I was going to say....

How nice it would be to sleep in everyday and not have to worry about making bottles, changing diapers, etcetera etcetera . How nice it would be just to give baby the stink eye and roll over.

F
M
L

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Tummy ache   
Saturday
August 21st, 8:54pm
 
mood: Sad

It makes me sick to think that this is what it's come to. "you'll be fine" makes me sick

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Sober   
Wednesday
August 18th, 9:09pm
 

Stayed sober for nothing.didn't change Jack shit. What a waste of time. Tomorrow is a different day. I'm ready for a change. I'll continue to laugh as i make myself happy, you poor dumb fuck

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Super mom move   
Wednesday
August 18th, 4:01am
 

Changed adens diaper while he was sleeping, aaaand, didn't wake him up!!
+2 for demonstrating ninja skills on baby fuss fuss!
<3 love you Aden,my Bree and jayboogies.
Meemeez time, again.

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Feeling bad....   
Thursday
August 12th, 3:49pm
 

Mark opened up to me the other night. His sincerity with every word meant alot to me. Shit, I didn't think he felt so strongly about me. He's been so patient and loving, and understanding ...and yes this should be a standard for all human beings but he wasn't like this before. So to see this change I've longed for for years, feels overwhelmingly wonderful. Sometimes I feel I don't deserve him. Not for the past, just speaking in present time. I'm feeling alot of mixed emotions about everything in life. From my family, to love, my kids, my life entirely. I'm not happy. Me. In my head, an my heart, I feel less and less each day. I'm slowly, again, detatching myself. I don't feel like crying, not necesarily a sadness, but an aching for not being able to uderstand how to make this better. I feel defective. I feel insecure. I don't want to move forward but rather stay still . Maybe this is all just too much for me afterall. How easy would it be to just get up and leave. Maybe I am poison to this family with this depression type attitude hanging over my head. How can I show my love and appreciation for someone when I don't feel......when i just feel numb. I remember driving home with mark after work, he would pick me up and i would tell him all about my day and he just sat that.. Unimpressed, nonchalant, who cares let's just listen to music attitude. Well now, i feel that way. I just don't care. Everything is uninteresting. Except my pipe. Fucking stupid obgyn wouldn't acknowledge my detachment. He thinks I'll be fine once Bree and jay are in school. :( really cuz my kids aren't the source of this void. I don't want to have sex, it makes me sick. I can't even watch porn. It's fucking weird. I'm trying to act interested, but I can give a shit less. I'll just lay here type attitude and say oh baby every now and then. I don't want to see my family. They are having major problems themselves and it's not like I can offer support or advice or anything. Their problems are major too. So why bother getting in the middle. Shhh.... Don't even talk to me. Go away. Go away. Go awaaay.
He's pissed right now. I wasn't trying to prevoke him. He hung up before it could go any further. Fuck if I only had a babysitter, I could drive for a while. That's what he doesn't understand. He gets that everyday. I don't. I see these brats all day long and night and this isnt our house so we have to hide in our fucking room and deal with it. Well I'm tired of this. I want what I used to have . I want my space. I want, more drugs. It's the only way not to feel over anxious or pissed or crazy. I feel normal. Fuck feeling like this. With or without drugs, it doesn't change this fucking void in my life.

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Sick   
Thursday
August 12th, 2:25pm
 

I wanna poop and throw up at the same time. Oh bejesus !

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Sick   
Thursday
August 12th, 2:25pm
 

I wanna poop and throw up at the same time. Oh bejesus !

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Changing   
Thursday
August 5th, 2:07am
 

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WWJD   
Thursday
July 29th, 12:22am
 

Aden crying crying crying. No reason. Restless . And I need sleep. Soooo, I put on devendra banhart to calm myself down, and it puts little chubba in a calm mood too!! He just quiets down, and closes his eyes.
A miracle. Or just damn good music.

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